What makes a good therapist?

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This month marks 6 years since I launched First Session. I’ve talked to over 1000 therapists in that time. Interviewed more than 150 for an hour each. More than 10,000 of you have used First Session to find a therapist.

In that time, I’ve also spent 2+ years in therapy, working with several therapists on different levels and in varying capacities.

Through my own experiences, and my own observations, I’ve learned a few important things about the qualities to look for in a great therapist.

The best therapists are “grounded”

According to one dictionary, grounded means “mentally and emotionally stable”. I’d add one word to the beginning of that: presently.

A great therapist, in my opinion, has lived experience. Some folks think therapists should be immune to mental struggles. I believe it actually helps if your therapist has suffered, if they’ve traveled to the depths and back, and have resurfaced.

The journey through hardship and mental suffering gives your therapist much more depth and capacity. It gives them wisdom (to share), and compassion for you, especially if you're suffering.

But it all depends on their ability to be a master themselves—a master at being grounded in the present moment—because when you work with a great therapist, the present moment belongs to you.

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Meeting you where you’re at

A lot of therapists say this, but what does that actually mean?

It means if you’re anxious in social settings, you start there.
If you’re barely able to get out of bed or take a shower, you start there.
If your heart is broken and you’re holding back tears, you start there.

It’s that simple.

A great therapist will come to whatever level you’re at, and hold space (which means patiently sitting with you and witnessing you in whatever form you’re in). They’ll sit with you, without needing you to be anywhere else. That kind of presence is its own kind of medicine.

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Not making you feel judged

The mind is a judging machine. And the last thing you want is to feel shame or guilt in front your therapist.

Therapists who practice non-judgement actively train to quiet the judging part of the mind. It takes practice, but you can tell if your therapist is present and mindful very quickly. You can just feel it, and it feels really good.

Instead of judging, your therapist ought to be curious and open to your possibilities—your potential. Your therapist will not be jumping to conclusions—rather they will seek to understand.

Challenging you, when you’re ready

(Quality) therapy isn't just about feeling seen and validated. It's intended for people seeking real change.

You’re in therapy to put an end to psychological suffering. To shift a pattern. To see something clearly that’s been fuzzy for too long.

Well doing their job, your therapist will become intimately aware of your goals and your ideal destination. They will notice where you hit walls, repeat patterns, and have reached a local maximum.

When the time is right, your therapist will hold up a mirror.

They may lift the mirror gently, or abruptly—whichever you need.

This mirror will help you understand you, more deeply. Once you gain more understanding and awareness, change can begin to occur.

It's all about fit

You'll notice I've yet to mention specializations, education level, or even experience. And there's a reason for that.

While these things matter, what's more important is the therapist fit. There is something called the therapeutic alliance, which represents the strength of the relationship between you and your therapist. The stronger the relationship, the more benefit you get out of therapy.

A strong relationship involves, trust, safety, accountability, and boundaries. Put more simply—it's a vibe. You as the therapy seeker have the intuition to feel this vibe. Are you being overly judgmental,  feeling judged yourself, or questioning your therapist's intentions? Then the vibe is not there.

However, if you're left feeling understood, inspired, encouraged, validated, and you feel the trust starting to build, that's the sign of a good fit. Only you will know.